bromp's definitions

kettling

is defined in Magna Farta as "the state of being in dire, immediate need of a shit. From the fact that a metal lid placed over one's clackervalve in such circumstances would rattle urgently, and possibly emit a high-pitched whistle to boot."

At the G20 summit, the newsreader said that the Police had been "kettling" which accurately reflects the agitated state of the officers in the protest, so I am not surprised they were clubbing people to death left right and centre.

by bromp July 24, 2009

Fartistic Licence

The art of creatively reshaping the true facts concerning a past release of Carbon Dibaxide

"Mr Darcy, I find it most difficult to credit your assertion that Miss bennet was responsible for the beefy eggo that cleared the dance floor not five minutes ago.. For one thin, the miasma concerned was distinctly reminiscent of the casserole I observed you yourself consuming last night, whereas I have it on good authority that Miss Bennet is a vegetarian. If that was Fartistic Licence, Darcy, then it was dashed bad form."

by bromp February 18, 2010

test match

an extremely long sit-down sojourn in the lavatory, which to the subject feels like it is taking five days to achieve any sort of conclusive result. So named due to the similarity to the cricket competitions: long, silent periods of intense concentration broken by occasional grunts, cracks and thuds, irregularly interspersed with splatters that sound not unlike bursts of applause.

Sally: “Fred, Jim disappeared after breakfast and it's already 11. We are supposed to be at the coast by 12!”

Jim: “We might not make it. He's in the lavatory and it sounds like he is in the middle of a test match.”

by bromp February 22, 2010

leaker

leaker n. Aus. A sexually alluring female, that is to say, one who "has holes that need to be plugged up".

O. was a leaker and would fuck anything that would help her into a job. She was a leaker who had a penchant for back door love.

by bromp March 14, 2010

velcrofart

a Velcrofart describes the situation where, to pluck an example out of thin air, a bloke called Binkie has been ordered out of the Dandy Lion Arms, because the fumes from his Arse are upsetting the licensee's children, but when he re-enters the bar, the gut-wrenching stench follows him back in.

Bert - Christ who ripped that one?
Sam - Oh No! Binkie's dropped another velcrofart; they stick to him like Bud Flanagan used to stick to Chesney Allen ...

by bromp April 16, 2009

mortar

To "sit on a mortar" is to suffer the consequences of a 'dirty bomb' detonation.

"Unfortunately Your Highness, my husband had some dodgy prawn chimichongas for lunch and has sat on a mortar, thus he will not be able to attend tea."

by bromp December 9, 2008

Stealth bummer

A man who has successfully concealed his sexuality to take advantage of his heterosexual friends.

Bert - "The pub went queer under the new owner, our lawyer friend. No more real beer, no more blazing fire. Now it's strictly for "style conscious gentlemen" only.

Bill - "Yeah we're done for now - nowhere left to go in the village. Sad. And we thought Mike was one of us. He was just casing the joint. Look at it now - all mirrors and pictures of fucking male pop stars and stuff and shitty music."

Bert - "Makes you sick. Our last real watering hole taken out by a stealth bummer!"

by bromp December 18, 2007