Flex Officer (noun):
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
An elite-tier desk goblin who lives rent-free under the Captain’s desk, occasionally surfacing to breathe through their nose holes and remind everyone that “they’re special.” Born from the unholy union of nepotism and weaponized whining, the Flex Officer is the workplace equivalent of a trust fund baby who thinks mopping is a hate crime.
They don’t work at the jail — they grace it with their presence.
They don’t get mandated — they get massaged.
Their radio isn’t even connected — it’s just Bluetooth synced to Spotify where they’ve got a playlist titled “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.”
Key Attributes:
• Can hold their breath under a desk for 2 hours straight if Daddy Captain is rubbing their back and whispering, “You’re my little soldier.”
• Cries “unfair!” with the power of a soap opera widow anytime someone asks them to… do their actual job.
• Works half a shift, takes a full lunch, and still needs a mental health day from the trauma of watching other people do things.
Hierarchy of Enablers:
• Daddy Captain: Wears khakis so tight you can hear his thighs beg for help. Bends rules like he bends over to scratch the Flex Officer’s belly.
• Mommie Lieutenant: Pretends to discipline but calls them “my baby” when no one’s looking.
• Uncle Lou: Definitely has something sketchy going on!
Fun Fact:
The Flex Officer once got an award for “Most Improved” after showing up to roll call on time… once… in 2019.
You: “Why the hell am I getting mandated again?”
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
• Sergeant: “Flex Officer said he has emotional allergies to night shift, so Daddy wrote him a note and gave him a juice box.”
• You: aggressively Googling ‘how to fake your own death with minimal paperwork’
by BigDaddyBear53 July 4, 2025
Get the Flex Officer mug.The act of bragging, recounting, one-upping, about a traumatic life event - physical (i.e. road rash, bad cramps, etc.), medical emergency (anything from a splinter to a widowmaker heart attack), mental health related (“The cheese slid off my cracker in 20__”), major life event (someone you loved croaked or croaked themselves), or emotionally inflicted (from a breakup to being gang raped by a whole Archdiocese of priests and nuns), even bemoaning one’s racial plight and/or difficulties associated with their sexuality/gender identification/you-name-it.
It is simply a ploy to garner sympathy and attention, perhaps intersectional leverage. Quite an effective strategic tool.
It is simply a ploy to garner sympathy and attention, perhaps intersectional leverage. Quite an effective strategic tool.
(Ned): “Did I tell you that I endured four weeks of chest pains before I had my heart attack, stroke, and Exploding Colon Syndrome?”
(Jacques): “Ya. Fifteen times since Juneteeenth. Maybe get checked for the ‘heimers, too. And quit with the trauma flexing. It pisses off everyone and makes me uncomfortable, you dong.”
(Jacques): “Ya. Fifteen times since Juneteeenth. Maybe get checked for the ‘heimers, too. And quit with the trauma flexing. It pisses off everyone and makes me uncomfortable, you dong.”
by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne July 14, 2025
Get the Trauma flexing mug.The act of bragging, recounting, one-upping, about a traumatic life event - physical (i.e. road rash, bad cramps, etc.), medical emergency (anything from a splinter to a widowmaker heart attack), mental health related (“The cheese slid off my cracker in 20__”), major life event (someone you loved croaked or croaked themselves), or emotionally inflicted (from a breakup to being gang raped by a whole Archdiocese of priests and nuns), even bemoaning one’s racial plight and/or difficulties associated with their sexuality/gender identification/you-name-it.
It is simply a ploy to garner sympathy and attention, perhaps intersectional leverage. Quite an effective strategic tool.
It is simply a ploy to garner sympathy and attention, perhaps intersectional leverage. Quite an effective strategic tool.
(Ned): “Did I tell you that I endured four weeks of chest pains before I had my heart attack, stroke, and Exploding Colon Syndrome?”
(Jacques): “Ya. Fifteen times since Juneteeenth. Maybe get checked for the ‘heimers, too. And quit with the trauma flexing. It pisses off everyone and makes me uncomfortable, you dong.”
(Jacques): “Ya. Fifteen times since Juneteeenth. Maybe get checked for the ‘heimers, too. And quit with the trauma flexing. It pisses off everyone and makes me uncomfortable, you dong.”
by Robaürt Du Maÿnnne July 14, 2025
Get the Trauma flexing mug.by HALLYTALL August 7, 2025
Get the Flex mug.Senator Smith has recalled the word and or phrase “HOMOSEXUAL” finding it highly offensive in due nature, instead Senator Smith has renamed the Male gender “TURD FLEX”.
And Rim shot. Figure it out.
And Rim shot. Figure it out.
Gary and Tom have a secret gentlemen’s club they force on Government officials at nite time if you are in the closet. Senator Smith calls the Turd Flex out tho. Ride high Pence…ride high.
by Atombombe August 8, 2025
Get the Turd Flex mug.(n.) / (v.) fear-flex
Definition: When someone puts on a big show of being “afraid” so the room pivots around them—making another person look sketchy or guilty without naming any real behavior. Low-key a control move.
Definition: When someone puts on a big show of being “afraid” so the room pivots around them—making another person look sketchy or guilty without naming any real behavior. Low-key a control move.
“Dude was just waiting for a ride and she hit a fear flex—now security’s hovering.”
“Manager fear-flexed and acted like the new kid was a problem, even though nothing happened.”
“One fear flex at the door and the whole vibe went ‘safety meeting.’”
Also: fear-flexing (gerund)
“Manager fear-flexed and acted like the new kid was a problem, even though nothing happened.”
“One fear flex at the door and the whole vibe went ‘safety meeting.’”
Also: fear-flexing (gerund)
by Jrock01 October 16, 2025
Get the fear flex mug.Folks Flex
When someone shows off there wealth, clothes, and lifestyle paid for by their parents — pretending it’s their own success. Wearing the latest designer clothes, carrying designer handbags, driving flashy cars, wearing luxury watches and jewelry, going on exotic holidays like Dubai, flying on private jets — usually hanging around the same crowd. This crowd is always comparing who’s got better things and looking down on people who have less, even if those people are self-sufficient and work hard for it.
When someone shows off there wealth, clothes, and lifestyle paid for by their parents — pretending it’s their own success. Wearing the latest designer clothes, carrying designer handbags, driving flashy cars, wearing luxury watches and jewelry, going on exotic holidays like Dubai, flying on private jets — usually hanging around the same crowd. This crowd is always comparing who’s got better things and looking down on people who have less, even if those people are self-sufficient and work hard for it.
Look at that rich kid, spoiled brat posting on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok next to their Lambo Urus and mansion — acting like they bought them themselves. What a classic Folks Flex.
by Jamie Cheese November 13, 2025
Get the Folks Flex mug.