Copper Goblin

Meth heads, tweakers and junkies have a penchant for precious metals and other bartering goods, copper, in particular. They can be seen rummaging through dumpsters around industrial complexes but are most commonly spotted under the hood of a Kia in a nightclub parking lot. Typical markings include: someone else’s discarded cigarette butt hanging, stuck to their bottom lip; shorts so dirty you wonder how they could possibly get that way; a ripped football T-shirt from a Super Bowl in the 90’s; and sometimes during breeding season, a white plastic ‘thank you’ bag tied in a knot filled with various unknown goods. Juveniles have a full set of teeth; adults have few to no teeth. One particularly unique trait of this goblin is a distinct musk gland that emits an odor akin to lukewarm scrotum and industrial paint thinner. If one sees a questionable act they must shout in an authoritative voice from a distance or shine bright light upon the subject in question. If the subject proceeds to scatter towards a nearby chain link fence holding their arms to their chest with a full ripped t shirt of scrap metal like a frightened squirrel- one has positively identified a Copper Goblin.

I drove by the cemetery on my way home and observed a breeding pair of copper goblins eying the iron entry gates.

We stopped at Home Depot the other day, when we walked by the dumpster we could hear the rummaging of an entire herd of copper goblins!

Did you know that copper goblins, when molting from larva to adult, can lose up to one tooth per week while consuming more than half their body weight in raw amphetamines?

by Fishingwithdabrigs June 25, 2023

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